shadows and shades


life goes on full stop

time lies to me

I wander aimlessly in a

black soul abyss

a walking shadow,

myspan a shade

colors disippated run through sieve  never returned gone his boyishness

reduced to flat and black and white

fifteen years today

my world was silenced forever

birthdays come and fade like winter grass

and do not grow again in spring

they arrive flatly

they are more like signposts pointing

to a destination inevitable and

too far away

for one walking so slow it seems

that if one loved again it would be a pale

shadow of the love that once was vibrant

rainbows pulsating against the azure sky

of his eyes that wept poetry and song and whispered

just rightly was home and hearth and heart

until that day of scissor-cutting disappearance

in which I bleed no more but bleed transparency in dark and quiet

corners

I go on

I go on

I go on

traversing insurmountable distance

only looking for the sea now, for dreams of quiet waiting for

my time to walk through that golden door

(maybe)  maybe he would not be there maybe he is nowhere

that uncertainty does not thrill

more cutting

cut-out paper heart that no longer pumps

only pretends viciously mocking me

there are distances only to be traversed in dreams of conversations

in celestial gardens

the conversations that are silent and understood as the deer understands

the change of seasons and steps lightly into meadows without fear

those are whispers on the winds just enough to make

the living wonder if doors open

on the other side of forever or if these suggestions merely

tease a playground bully offering a slice of sunshine

only to fling it down to dirt

this we are accustomed to, this emptiness

the hole-eating acid of missing

that only ends in dull ache

my walking shadow goes on tiredly

doggedly

the hole no one sees a bulky burden black weeping

mass despite colors invisibly wearing mourningblack

day and night night and day year after year crawling

imperceptibly towards Bethlehem this life

this life

shadows and shades, shades and shadows

and I have so ever long to go

voiceless

lost

longing

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s