Everything is quiet now
like the day after
nothing is as it was nor ever can be
and I am left staring at the detritus wondering if I lit the fuse
what if id just gone along and
what if id stood up for me
who were you really jumbled up in my mind remembering how you told me God came
Spoke to you
like some Old Testament prophet
promised you we would marry you said
how you held me remembering how we planned our wedding our secret plans for Florida remembering how you wanted me constantly calling you hours on the phone hundreds of emails love bombing me move in with me you said
when I got there then you picked me up and
hurled me over the precipice
watched impassively as I fell.
God took my love for you
Don’t go you said.
I heartbroken shattered
where did the love go not understanding it was never there oh no God took it he will give it back when you’re ready
twenty five plus years of knowing nothing about you
what you knew about me an unending supply of ammunition
you stopped one day while we walked you’re fat you said
words punching me in the stomach so proud of the weight I’d lost losing more
Insignificant you said
triumph seeing my anger and confusion
and that was the beginning of
the end I with no defenses while
Daily the bombs fell.
I hate how you eat you said
I hate how you look you said
I hate how you walk you said
I don’t like the way you talk you said
I don’t like your sense of humor you said
I don’t like where you came from your family are hillbillies you said
you’re uncultured you said
can’t have you around my family you said till I teach you to walk and talk and eat and act like a lady you said all dancing around in my head simultaneously remembering how smart you thought I was once how funny and vivacious you said I was beautiful we made loverunning into remembering late at night I on one side of your wall you on the other all leading up to the day when you said
You’re mentally ill and
we’ll never have anything until you’re fixed you said.
and you were going to wait and have faith and pray for me while God fixes me
poking away in my past pushing buttons doing all the things that hurt me I the child you the parent controlling what I ate what I drank how far we walked how I talked while
convincing me how different you are how good you are how healthy you are how while taking me apart brick by brick day by day
I am pieces I try to reassemble during the day when you are not there
when you gone is a relief
When you gone means I am free
I am nothing more than invisible to you nothing more than someone you used to know nothing more
nothing more than
I’m helping you, you said.
You’re too sensitive you said.
You should be grateful you said.
I give you everything you said.
Funny how words are worse than atomic bombs how they destroy the soul shatter the heart wound worse than shrapnel
“You’ll deserve me one day,” you said.
was I saved from you or by you or
was I dumped by you
God knows better than I
He set me free