I need to be alone. I need to ponder my shame and my despair in seclusion; I need the sunshine and the paving stones of the streets without companions, without conversation, face to face with myself, with only the music of my heart for company.
I just want to be alone. I feel so uncertain right now, living in loss and uncertainty. I miss the friends I lost and I miss the one I loved even though I know that the losses are for the best. I am uncertain if they were really friends so acquainted I have become so suddenly with the truth that everyone including me operates however unintentionally or intentionally, with ulterior motives. Were they never my friend? I find myself asking at odd hours, or in the bookstore today tears springing up and spilling over as I considered how R. would have found something I saw funny or how we talked about Russian literature and poetry as I walked down the Russian lit section. Everything reminds me of him and it is enough to make me wish I’d left sleeping dogs lie, but then I remember how happy I was talking to him all those hours. For I was.
I am certain only of uncertainty and change. Change is constant. I also know that loss is temporary for Nature abhors a vacuum…but I need aloneness to process my losses. One friend simply disappeared with no explanation. My other friends explain to me that God is removing from my life those who do not promote my growth or support me….or they say to comfort me that I am not everyones cup of tea but there are those who love me fiercely…to know this cerebrally is something..but my heart is weeping and sore.
I need solitude. I feel this quote keenly:
Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.
I curl up into myself and the silence and aloneness comforts me. In silence I can be myself as I was myself with R. I can cry as I cannot in front of people. I can live in my imagination creating the life I want hoping it will morph into the one I have one day.
One day I will not cry unbidden; I will make new friends and find another soulmate. Life goes on and I will go on with it. But for now I stop and I am still in the center of the maelstrom of my life and I curl up into myself and live in stillness and silence and these words which will heal me.
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.