On the cursed 10x magnifying mirror, Bob Ross bobble heads and dancing Jesus


I should start out by saying that I intended to go to the store for triple antibiotic. That was all. A simple errand on my day off. As we all understand, a simple errand has a way of ballooning into something else entirely and so it was with this day.

I went to the Christmas Tree Store which for those not in the know, isn’t a Christmas store. It’s more like the “if we haven’t got it you don’t need it” store. I went for remember…triple antibiotic. I meandered down the aisles of wall hangings and 4th of July decorations, BBQ sauce and salt lamps. I found the sample aisle where the fact that everything is tiny makes me want to buy it. I did not find triple antibiotic. What I found instead kept me mesmerized for nearly 15 minutes like a dog who has discovered its reflection in a mirror and thinks it’s another dog.

The 10x magnifying mirror. The thing should be outlawed. Every pore in a woman’s face looks like the craters of the moon and you see blackheads you never knew existed and hairs in your chin you couldn’t see with just your eyeballs. My hand strayed slowly over to the Grooming Kit with tweezers. The good angel on my shoulder said

“You can’t use that till you pay for it.”

The devil whispered “come on! Nobody’s around! Just a quick tweeze of that black hair on your chin that nobody can see with normal eyesight and walk away fast!”

The two argued so loudly I had to shush them. A lady walked by eyeing me strangely. I held up the 10x magnifying mirror like a talisman. She backed away slowly, horrified.

“Get that thing away from me. I don’t want to know what’s on my face. I prefer the bathroom mirror and lies.”

I closed my eyes after she disappeared around the corner, slowly put down the magnifying mirror and the Grooming Kit (unopened, don’t worry), and tried not to think about the holes in my face I assiduously scrubbed with Ponds Cleansing Cream nightly under the illusion my face was clean. I did not get triple antibiotic but I did walk out with a car and wall charger set for my Android and iPod.

On to Target where lipsticks danced seductively before me. Again I closed my eyes and walked on buying only triple antibiotic. I congratulated myself and walked to the bookstore where I intended to finish a writing piece for a part time blogging job I have and after that, have some fun.

Then the Bob Ross Bobblehead entered my life. It was a whirlwind romance in which he whispered “I’ll be your happy little dashboard decoration bobbing and nodding on your big trip.” He mesmerized me with his big hair and big grin. In a weird sort of way he looked like the Dancing Jesus above him and I contemplated the bookstore after closing time when they could leap out of their packages and sit on the shelf discussing happy little trees and how Jesus made the whole earth just so Bob could paint it.

No. I was not, am not and never have been high on substances. I was deep in the middle of Bob and Jesus’s philosophical discussion of art and beauty when a little kid loudly said “Excuse me!”

I was blocking the aisle. Again.

I left Dancing Jesus and Bob to wait for closing time and sit at a cafe table about t peruse books I’ve picked out.

The adventure continues. Tomorrow I will tell you a funny story about the parking ticket man. Not so funny for me but hey. Till then have a good one and don’t look in a 10x magnifying mirror. It is a real confidence crusher.

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